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It felt so wrong; it felt so right…

As we sit on the eve of the New Year, 2009, I stand in awe of America. Awe? Not the good kind. It is not longer shocking to me that women dance almost naked on TV 30+ years after the first brassiere commercials hit the air. Nor is it shocking to me that right now Ms. Perry stands in Time Square, singing her break out hit about adultery in the form of homosexuality. She tells that she liked it; that it felt wrong and right. This awe I feel should be disgust and  maybe it is, but I’ve no room to talk about another’s sin, much less their adulterous sin. I suppose that I am too desensitized to be entirely disgusted. I am awed, amazed, that we have come this far.

I find the song horribly catchy. I find myself wishing a man sang it so I wouldn’t feel guilty as her tune rolls along in the back of brain. I’ve also come to find it horribly interesting: “…it felt so wrong, it felt so right…” One might ask what is so interesting about that.

Well, for starters, felt. She had a feeling, whether it may be subconscious or psychical, she felt. What did she feel? Apparently, she first felt that something was wrong. The first thing she tells us that she felt was that what she was doing was wrong. But she kept doing it, because it also felt so right physically. Or we assume it was physically, as the part she enjoyed was the sensation of touch between her and another woman.

While her mind screamed no, her body screamed yes. Ms. Perry subliminally tells us something about all of us, and our nation.

This is America. This song, this that parades itself on the TV screen right now across our nation, this is America. Mentally, with all our might, we are screaming for justice, for purity, for the peace and righteousness humanity knows that itself is capable of. Physically, we’re hedonistic, seeking pleasure at the expense of our self. And we wonder where we went wrong.

Merry Christmas, sorry for the long delay. I promise to come back now, I promise to do a lot of things.

Happy New Year, 2009!

I will not fail.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Him [Christ] who strengthens me.

Starvation and Thirst

Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.

- Proverbs 27:17

How have I let him sharpen me? Who did I let bring me to this point? I am responsible for who I am and what I am — I take full responsibility. But who is it that helped to sharpen me? My mother? Who have I allowed to help make me bitter, prone to indulgence and selfishness. My kindness stands, my generoisty stands, but my fire waivers.

I don’t even remember who I really was when I purchased this domain. I know that I was struggling, but the struggling has become blinding. I don’t know where I am, I am lost. Saved yet lost. Wandering around. I’m reading a book, The Host by Stephenie Meyer. As Wanderer/Melanie is lost in the desert, dying of thirst, I realize that I have felt that way in my daily life. I feel that dry, I feel that needy. I am alone and no one will help me.

God, save my soul. I am stupid, this is all that it amounts to. I make choices to do things, say things, and seek things that do not honor me or my God. I am hopeless without you. My soul does long for you. I thank you that you are thankful and that I can rely on. I pray that I might come back to my senses, seeking you with a full heart. This Christmas, I want to understand me and You, I want to remember and honor what Your birth truly means for everyone in existence. Thank You for taking on the form of flesh, that You may suffer daily until Your death and resurrection, just to show me, a stupid, stupid girl, how much You truly do care and love us all.

Amen.

Sweet and Blessed Freedom

My soul longs for You,
My soul longs for You,
Nothing else will do.
And I believe that You will come like the rain…
You’ll come like the rain…
I believe it.

- Misty Edwards (link)

Jesus is amazing. Like God, so perfect and incomprehensible in His love. I do not understand why He loves me and why I am allowed to love Him… but it is.

For weeks, months, years… I’ve been so broken. Sometimes I would put my problems down and let Him have them – only to pick them up when I’m lonely or depressed. But today, I promise, I’m giving them up. I am making this promise to you and to God. I know I will fail, but one day I will be entirely free. I’ll be free forever like I am free right now. Because one day Jesus is coming back, and on that day no addiction, no sorrow, and no amount of brokenness will reign in my life ever again.

Soon, very soon, I’ll start telling you the truth. I’ll start showing you why I created Innocent Hands and why I need innocent hands. Stay tuned, ‘K?

Yes, my soul longs for You. My soul longs for You… and nothing else will ever do.

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